posted 08-04-2001 03:01 AM
SCENE: Somewhere in Hollywood, the producer of the show "Red Dwarf", Doug Naylor, is being interviewed by two assistants for the studio.MALE ASSISTANT: Greetings, Mr. Naylor. We are here today to push a few problems we have having with the movie.
NAYLOR: Okay, shoot.
MALE: Well, you understand that your show has a few English references that the American audience is too stupid to understand. The studio just wants to make sure our 'solutions' fit to your standard of quality.
FEMALE ASSISTANT: Shall we begin?
NAYLOR: Let's go for it.
FEMALE: Okay, the first has to do with that guy with the ponytails who speaks funny.
NAYLOR: Lister?
MALE: Yes. We would like to redub his voice. Nobody in our focus group could understand him.
NAYLOR: Well, Craig Charles does have a very thick but nice Scouse accent....he would be happy to redub his lines...
FEMALE: We already got Marlon Brando to do it.
NAYLOR: Are you sure he's the right choice?
MALE: Have no fear, Doug, is it the right choice. Anyway, our second quirk has to do with the black guy.
NAYLOR: You mean The Cat.
MALE: Whatever. I'm not 'down' with the street lingo. Anyway, we were thinking about changing his character so the American public can identify with him.
NAYLOR: How so?
FEMALE: The new character will be called "Groovy," a hot Latin Romero who is a bad boy with a heart of gold. We already got Freddie Prinze Jr. to do it for $5 million.
NAYLOR: But...what the hell???
MALE: He will still be a cat....granted, we will replace all the flashy clothes with oversized grunge wear.
NAYLOR: The fuck?? I can't let you do this!!
MALE: Nonsense, Doug, it's for the best.
FEMALE: Plus, we simply have to do something to that H Guy.
NAYLOR: You mean Rimmer.
MALE: Hahahah! He's the character I love the most. But do you know what the average American can't do?
NAYLOR: Think, by the looks of it.
FEMALE: No, you Limey: read. So, we're dumping the H on his forehead and replacing him with $16 million dollars worth of CGI designed to get the kids in on the deal. We already have Dustin Hoffman doing the voice.
NAYLOR: But what about Chris Barrie? He turned down Tomb Raider 2: Lara's Tits Aboard for this role! It's what made him!!
FEMALE: That's show business, babe. But we'll make a deal: instead of the H, we'll make it a big smiley face.
MALE: Not a normal smiley, Doug, but one of those emoticons....like a sort of colon and a curvy thingie that faces to the right.
NAYLOR: You mean 
.
MALE: Exactly!
NAYLOR: 
FEMALE: Don't worry, Dougie, these things happen in show business. Anyway, I'm glad to tell you that the character of Crackhead is still not being changed.
NAYLOR: Who?
MALE: The funny icecube headed bastard from Junkyard Wars.
NAYLOR: Kryten? Played by Robert Llewelyn? The Godfather to my SON?!?
FEMALE: That fucker, yeah. I found his story to be touching....yearning to be just like his human masters with an extra dose of 'in-your-faceness.'
NAYLOR: What the fuck are you talking about? He's a robot servant designed to be a robot. He doesn't want to be human!!
MALE: But Doug, remember Robin Williams in that Bicentwhatever Man flick? All robots want to be human, to feel human, to do what humans do...
NAYLOR: The robot fucking cleans the shit up after them. He doesn't want to be fucking human!!!
FEMALE: Doesn't sell, babe. Listen, we're compromise and cut out the sex between him and the hot naked chick.
NAYLOR: WHAT???
MALE: We just got off the phone with Chloe Arnson--
NAYLOR: Arnett, you git.
MALE: --and for another fifteen million she'll do the movie naked.
NAYLOR: What the fuck for?? And why is she fucking Kryten? She's supposed to be Lister's love for fuck's sake!!
FEMALE: Nope, Dougie, can't go there. He's whatever, she's white, Jungle Fever might all be well and good but it ain't gonna play in the South.
MALE: Robotic sex is the wave of the future.
NAYLOR: Listen, I don't care what kind of fucking reasoning you use to ruin me and my movie, but this is too far. I'm out of this. I'm taking me and my rights elsewhere. I'm not doing this poor excuse for Cinemax porn!
FEMALE: Doug, please listen to reason. Me and my friend here have been saving the best part for last. I think you'll agree that when we pitch you this idea, you will think that this movie will work.
NAYLOR: Oh no.
MALE: Oh yes! It concerns the onboard computer, Harold.
NAYLOR: Holly.
MALE: I think Harold is a more manly name.
NAYLOR: It's Holly.
MALE: Whatever. Anyway, I think he would be great if we didn't change anything about the actor or the effects. Just a black costume and a black background would do wonders, avoiding all that messy CGI effects.
FEMALE: That we can no longer pay for.
NAYLOR: Oh, thank God. For a minute there I thought you were going to go nuts on this.
MALE: But we have one slight change. You ever see American Pie?
NAYLOR: Uhhhh....no.
FEMALE: Well, it might be risky, but I think we can carry the R rating if we can have Holly be this giant dick.
NAYLOR: HUH???
MALE: Male nudity is acceptable for some reason, Doug. Boogie Nights. The Matrix. We need to hook the women to get them into the theater. We need pickle shots, Doug, and Holly could do it.
FEMALE: It will also bring in the fags in full force!
NAYLOR: Holly is not a talking dick!!
MALE: Who said talking? I was thinking he could emit semen for a yes answer and piss for a negative.
FEMALE: I'm aroused already.
NAYLOR: What the fuck are you Yanks on??
MALE: Doug, where are you going?
FEMALE: Will you think about it?
NAYLOR: I'm going to go outside of this building. I'm going to grab a shotgun out of the trunk of my Chevy and I'm going to come back in here and blow your heads off. Luckily, there will be only the sound of two balloons deflating as your brains have been absorbed into your groins where your minds have always been. Being the kind gentleman that I am, I am giving you this warning....oh, fuck it!!
*MALE and FEMALE ASSISTANTS give a 'duh' expression as NAYLOR shoots them both point-blank in the face with a sawed off shotgun*
NAYLOR: Bloody Americans. Should have known better when they made BLAKE'S 7-11.
Fin.
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posted 08-04-2001 03:01 AM
posted 08-04-2001 03:10 AM
posted 08-04-2001 05:37 AM
MAJOR funny shit, Nicky!...bravo!!! 
posted 08-04-2001 06:24 AM
posted 08-04-2001 05:38 PM
posted 08-06-2001 03:16 PM
