posted 07-31-2001 01:40 AM            

Network programmers that know nothing about entertainment...how original. [/sarcasm]

Anyway, to boost my posts and to amuse the hell out of Zach, here is my first guesses to the new shows coming out the anus of American TV:

"Undeclared"--A show about the sexual romps and such of a co-ed dorm. Please. Those who didn't go to college won't care and the people who did will remember that college wasn't as much partying as it was partying, getting caught by the floor manager, and being forced to pour out all your alcohol even through you're 22. Just how is that 'being out of mommy and daddy's wing' again?

Anyway, this show seems like it wouldn't suck because it has some humor to it, but since every chick is Calista Clones and all the guys are fat unattractive (yet hairless) losers, it seems so cookie cutter that it won't last longer than that other Fox show that premiered last summer that featured three guys in a girls only school whose name escapes me and 95% of America who didn't fucking care.

Bottom line? Probably be one of those shows that performs badly and is cancelled by February.

"Going to California"--This is a Showtime special with the ultimate cliche: why not take two youthful guys, give them a car, and head out to California to find themselves? Geez, color me pissy pink! I'm so overdosed on saccharine I'm going to shit and piss sugar for the next month!

In fact, I would like to be a fly on the wall in the conference room where this idea took place. It was probably the first damn thing that was sad that the boss agreed on and gave to some sadass schmucks to write. "Find yourself?" Sure, find yourself in a fucking McDonalds because you gave the Ultimate Teenager Excuse Why Not To Do Anything With Your Life Until It's Fucking Too Late. Not only is it a bad cliche, it's a boring cliche. Make it claymation, and it's "Gary and Mike" for crying out loud! Remember "Gary and Mike?" No, because nobody cares about the cliche and sure as hell nobody is going to pay an extra $20 per month to watch it.

Bottom line: This is probably the last you'll hear of the show. Like most loser cable series, it will never air again after it's last episode and be forever ignored even on the web.

"Special Unit 2"--It's UPN. It features a gnome as a lead character. And it's about two dull people who are trying to hide the existence of various extraordinary creatures from the general populace. Yet it has one major factor different from all of UPN's crap.

I like it. Or rather, would like to see it again.

What? You expect me to hate everything?? Well, it's on UPN for fuck's sake, and it's lucky to even be renewed, but it's worth a shot. Hell, if you don't like it you probably won't remember it at all.

Bottom Line: Could go bad, but all good shows have funky beginnings.

America's Most Wanted--Yup, it's 11th season. They've caught 300 criminals at least. And still I don't fucking care. Come on, this show is for losers who have no idea what life is about. Even the bored don't fucking watch this. Plus, that guy who hosts it is starting to scare me. Like he's the asshole who busts in the door to get these criminals? Please. You want ratings, show me the outtakes where a criminal takes out his liver with a scalpel.

Bottom Line: It sucks the 'helping the populace and children' cock, it won't go anywhere soon enough.

Well, enough venom for now, I'll do more later.

posted 07-31-2001 03:53 PM            

"Emeril"--At first I thought it said "Enema" until I realized it was based on a celebrity chef. Unfortunately, this asshole isn't Lenny Henry and I'm not laughing at some asshole who got a show despite the fact that NO CELEBRITY BASED SITCOM made it last season. Remember all six episodes of "Normal, Ohio?" Probably not, because some of them were not aired and will never be aired for human consumption.

Celebrity sitcoms don't work. Making one based on a near-celebrity that I have never heard or seen won't make it better. Forget about it.

Bottom Line: Gone by November, Guaranteed.

"Inside Schwartz"--It looks annoying, but I'll admit one thing: that little sound bite of the lead character taking the shock like a boxer complete with Mills Lane is a bit entertaining. Then again, look at NBC's track record with shitcoms.

Bottom Line: If it works, it's gone by November. If it sucks like Suddenly Susan, then it's a battle wheither NBC will kill it by end of season.

"24"--Keefer Sutherland tries to make everyone remember why he 'stars' in arthouse films by 'starring' in a show that drags out the events of a day one fucking hour at a time. Which means it's going to be a really interesting day or the whole of November will show us people sleeping. Sure, it could be a good idea, except that it sounds boring as hell.

Bottom Line: Given that this 'story' is supposed to last the whole season, it will have to be quick to get and sustain it. And not be preempted. Aw, shit, so much stuff could go wrong it's funny. Expect this one to be a critic favorite then bore the hell out of the rest of us.

"Scrubs"--ER is dead, no matter how many ex-cast members of Newsradio they throw at us. This is NBC's attempt to pay off the sets with a halfassed parody. But they are not learning the one solid rule of parody: don't overstay your welcome. Something to be mocked can only be mocked for so long before it turns out like a bad SNL skit: long, boring, and completely uninteresting. Only this time, you don't have a hundred people stuck in a studio who can't escape.

Bottom Line: Doomed.

posted 08-01-2001 12:45 AM            

Bottom Line: Boooooooooring. Rent the fucking movie instead.

"Bob Patterson"--Jason Alexander stars in the latest attempt to prove that "Seinfeld" was the Alpha and Omega of all four stars' careers. All I've heard of the series are problems like Michael Richards' show had.

posted 08-02-2001 02:17 PM            

But I'm not going to lie: it's imaginative and based on good material, which means that it's dogfood on network TV.

BOTTOM LINE: Hope a cable series picks it up and puts it to good use. It ain't gonna make it on network TV no matter how much we try...*sob*

DANNY--Daniel Stern (the voiceover guy from the Wonder Years) stars as a cliche in a cliched situation.

BOTTOM LINE: Nobody (not even reviewers) have heard of it. It's plain and nothing special about it. It's so doomed it's bound to be the first series booted this year.

WOLF LAKE--Every season there is a show that airs on a major network and has a bit of originality to it. While I doubt this is it, it has something to do with werewolves. Yet, I've heard it has changed it's premise in the past few weeks so what we're going to see isn't what was originally intended.

BOTTOM LINE: Bomb unless something happens.

posted 08-02-2001 07:48 PM            

For some reason, I strongly doubt that show will last long, even if Emeril throws in the catchphrases he spouts every so often on his shows on Food Network (Emeril Live and Essence of Emeril).

For those of you who don't know, here they are:

"Bam!" - Shouted when Emeril tosses on a bit of seasoning (in the form of a slam dunk) on any of his dishes.

"Kick it up a notch." - Always refers to how certain spices make a certain dish seem/smell/look more appetizing. Usually precedes a "Bam".

"Happy happy." - Emeril always refers to the food he prepares as that when it's being cooked correctly, using his standards.

posted 08-02-2001 09:45 PM            

HOT CHICK: Emeril, you got to help me! My keynote speaker has the flu and you gotta pose as him!!

EMERIL: er...uh.....e......oo.....ahha....

HOT CHICK: Wow! I can't believe how well you did that? What's your secret?

EMERIL: Uh, well, er.....eeh...blark...

HOT CHICK: I love you Emeril.

EMERIL: Uh, er, w9eijflskjdflav. lsi lisd oia e af iaf aoieoae a ioa!!

AUDIENCE: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

posted 08-03-2001 10:01 PM            

Of course, not many people watched them and, let's face it, both shows are now looked upon as either incredibly far-fetched and stupid or a very sugarcoated oversexed version of "Saved by the Bell." Hell, does the FX channel even play it anymore?? Well, nevertheless, "Titans" showed the world that some careers are built on tits and ass and that the nighttime soap opera was as dead at the '80s, Reagan's mind, and Dynasty. It died for a reason, and that reason was because it was DUMB as the stuff that plays on NBC.

Welcome to the 2001 version of that story. Nothing has changed. Be expected to have these supposedly taunting commercials to fly at your face and suddenly disappear by November's end. It's not even worth mentioning why the real-life city is arguing about why the series is being made in Canada instead of the Land of Quakes and Plastic.

posted 08-17-2001 08:44 PM            

"Crossing Jordan"--That chick that used to be on Law & Order is back...no, the OTHER one. The one that was it two chicks ago. Yeah, that one, the smug one....no, TWO chicks ago. Not that one, the one with short hair and had a sexually-charged relationship..oh, forget it. Let me start again:

One of the various chicks to pass through the L&O stable stars again as a overly smug do-gooder who is named after a Biblical chamberpot. Basically, it's Quincy except that Quincy now has breasts and could be considered hot and is even more shrill but doesn't have the added irony of suffering from throat cancer.

BOTTOM LINE: More smugness that, ironically, doesn't come from the Law & Order stable. I smell blood in the water here especially since this show is ER (which is fading rapidly) and Law & Order (which everyone will get sick of by the end of this season). Chances are it will last but nobody will watch because we all have lives.

LAW & ORDER: CRIMINAL INTENT--For some damn reason, Law and Order has become the latest annoyance to everyone who bothers turning on a TV. First, TNT and A&E play the fuck out of it (5 times daily). Second, the original show has been on about 11 years. Eleven. Third, there is already a spinoff which is getting heavy play time on both NBC and the USA Network. And Fourth, we got yet another spinoff coming this fall. Add it up, and you will have close to L&O playing nonstop on a daily basis nearly 50 times per week.

50 FUCKING TIMES PER WEEK.

I don't care if anyone is a fan of the show, this is too much. And remember what I said about the smugness that used to be a 'charming' part of L&O and what L&O: Hot Spicy Sex Crimes has turned into a fucking art form? Do you really want to watch 50 hours per week of overly smug assholes lecture us about the dangers of [insert recent 'important' issue here] 50 times a week? Come on! What the fuck? If anything, this should signal some warning bells here.

BOTTOM LINE: Notice how I didn't describe 'Criminal Intent' anywhere in this review? Good. Because there is nothing new about it. Oh, sure, the commercials will try to say otherwise but they're full of dogshit. IT'S A BUNCH OF SMUG PEOPLE ARGUING OVER POINTS OF LAW, IT'S NOT INTERESTING. IT WAS BARELY INTERESTING THE FIRST TIME IT HAPPENED OVER TEN YEARS AGO. Give it up! I mean, how many times do we need to be bombarded by the same show over and over again? It's on three cable channels for fuck's sake! Give it up!!

ACK!