posted 04-30-2001 02:09 PM            

You know, those kinds of movies you would never rent unless dead bored and even then you would have regrets. Make them cheesy, make them awful, form them together...but only one per post.

And yes, you can be as dirty and raunchy as you want. Hell, what else is this forum for? I'll start us off:

Nickledeon Presents: "WhoreBurger."

posted 04-30-2001 04:32 PM            

HOT POTATO MOMMA--A story of lust and dirty deeds in a half-assed Texarkana town!

posted 04-30-2001 09:10 PM            

Even if that happens to be a mentally unstable transient who gives hand-jobs for powdered sugar.

posted 04-30-2001 09:14 PM            

And good work, Case B. I loved that...

posted 04-30-2001 09:34 PM            

When Henry Johnson is laid off from his job at Steel Industries Inc., he is forced to work at a gas station and do the graveyard shift in the local Quik-E-Mart.

Hilarity ensues when the Johnson family is turned nearly upside down, as Mrs. Johnson finds herself "working overtime" in the kitchen, while Sally Johnson finds new love with a local 'colored boy', and Little Henry Jr. begins wearing his mother's dresses.

posted 04-30-2001 10:02 PM            

Anyhow, one more before I gotta go.

Let's see..

Fleas: The Second Feast (1988)

The long-awaited sequel to Fleas: Death Squadron 134.

Samantha Huber's cat is found playing in radioactive leakage coming from drain-off of the local Power Plant. The vets try in vain to save the cat's life, but later 'mysteriously' are found dead.

Soon strange deaths are happening all over the neighborhood, and skeletal frames (made with cheap hobby-shop plastic) begin littering the local dump-yard.

In an effort to stop this odd occurrence, police chief Freddy Greirson and a rag-tag bunch of neighborhood kids begin investigation.

Soon they find themselves involved in a deep conspiracy involving otherworldly fleas seeking vengeance upon humans for failing to keep enough housepets to sustain their blood-sucking diet.

A giant battle ensues, as the kids use hairspray and magnifying glasses as weapons to destroy the army of super-strong fleas, and Officer Grierson stands around providing "adult humor" comedy release.

The fleas are thus destroyed, but the end sequence shows one solitary bugger crawling off into the sunset...a foreshadowing of the next six sequels.

Okay, I gotta go eat now.

posted 05-01-2001 01:02 AM            

Despite it's length, it won the 1980 Cannes "Golden Leaf of Artistic Incipberable" despite many objections by Muslim Cyborgs.

posted 05-01-2001 02:06 AM            

Though the original was a classic hailed internationally and receiving numerous awards, the sequel was rather paltry in comparison. Written by angry and drugged-up chimpanzees, THE CONTINUING ADVENTURES features Stupid finding himself sentenced to life in a mental ward due to his rather odd nature of assaulting passer-bys and demanding they kiss his feet.

In the mental ward, Stupid meets Zippo the Paranoid Schizophrenic, a muttering freakish nutcase of a man. Stupid, being the retarded child that he is, decides to have a little fun with Zippo and the rest of the crew, and invites them all on a boat ride. They all mindlessly oblige, and soon Stupid is once again up to his Diapie-Man antics.

Eventually Stupid attempts flying again, this time by jumping from the crow's nest. He lands directly on Zippo, who skitzes completely and simply implodes.

After feeling a little shameful, Stupid somehow brings the boat back to Harbor, where he is apprehended by the Police (and a too similar Nurse Ratchet-y character) and, because of the inadvertent murder, is forced to undergo a full frontal lobotomy.

On the operating table, it is discovered that Stupid possesses no mind whatsoever, and so the surgeons decide instead to operate *elsewhere*.

Fortunately, some random Native American guy bursts into the room and picks up the operating table. In one swift motion he chucks it out the window, Stupid, bedpan, catheter, and all.

posted 05-01-2001 10:01 AM            

FLOWERS FOR STUPID, THE TEN-YEAR-OLD IN DIAPERS (1997)--In the third installment of the critically dismissed series, Stupid goes back home to his family, proud that he is finally free of his inflammatory bowel disease. However, he only wears his cape, revealing his dinky weiner. His rich father, Richard, then buys Stupid a new weiner and gives him 'world lessons' in order to fit into society as a big-assed khaki-wearing retard. When Stupid can't adjust, Richard then gives him an experiment which increases his brainpower to that of an ant.

Stupid enjoys his newfound intelligence, until he starts to grow embarrassed about his constant weird smell and the brown stains he leaves everywhere. Finally realizing that he will never be accepted, he tries to kill him, only succeeding in impaling his head on a sharp building. This removes the results of the experiments and gives him a bad case of diarrhea, for which he uses as 'Diapie-Man' new method of flight. The movie ends when he tries to fly and ends up being beaten down by the Hassidic Clowns of Doom, Chapter 417.

posted 05-01-2001 06:34 PM            

Fun with a Purpose...

I think I rather liked that.

Anyhow....

Stupid and Friends! The Animated Feature (direct-to-video release, 1997)

In a desperate attempt to cash out on the sinking Stupid franchise, this movie was quickly thrown together off of animated sketch ideas 'written' on toilet paper of a porta-potty in Utah. McDonald's plastic figurines of Stupid wrestling a giant piece of poop coincided with the video release.

In the first episode, Stupid is trying to decide whether he'd rather become a stand-up comedian or a famous actor. When his friend Fremp the flying squirrel tells him he is too mentally challenged to do either, Stupid just smiles his special half-smile and defecates down his own leg. The horrid smell reaches Fremp's nostrils, and he drops out of the sky like a dead weight. Stupid uses Fremp to clean himself up, then disposes of him properly. He then turns to the camera and sings a little ditty about recycling, reducing, reusing...and closing the loop.

In the second episode, Stupid is perched high above Las Vegas on the needle of the Skydome. He is preparing to take flight when he opens his cape and reveals his new prosthetic weiner, which detaches and hurdles to the streets below. Fortunately, it only hits and kills a prostitute, but Siegfried and Roy (voiced by Siegfried and Roy) catch sight of it and demand to learn of its owner. Thus, Stupid befriends the duo and is invited to participate in their next "White Tiger Magic Show of Mystery and Friendship".
Unfortunately, one of the tigers mysteriously falls ill with Hepatitis B, and Stupid is made to take his place. As the show begins, stupid is perched on a stool, awaiting his next command. Siegfried snaps his whip, and Stupid is so frightened by the sound that he jumps towards a fiery hoop prematurely, and in the wrong direction. He nearly makes it through the hoop when the gaseous clous emanating from behind ignites, and he shoots straight up like a rocket. Weeks later little children in Ghana report of frozen fecal related injuries.

posted 05-01-2001 10:19 PM            

Pyramid of ASS (1963)--In this ripoff of the original Hercules film, this adventure concerns Aldofo, warrior to the Gods, on his mystic journey to find the secret of his life. However, five steps away from his village of birth, he trips and brains himself on a sharp piece of limestone and dies. So, the village draws straws again and choose Dathkar the Mighty. He makes it six steps out of the village before falling crotch first on a poisonous lizard and taking his own life. The movie continues until forty seven of their strongest young men are killed in stupid and idiotic manners. Leopold Hangman, the producer, describes this as a budgetary measure:

"I wanted to make a movie. The film company didn't. So, to impress them, I hired a few actors and stole a set. However, I was only able to borrow film from another movie...think it was Barbarella, who knows..and that was how my movie was made. However, I forgot one thing: special effects. So, I kept the actors busy by repeating the same scene over and over again, then slapping "The End" at the end. However, I didn't even get that right, and I finally gave up and started drinking. And that is why those preschoolers beat me up and stole my pants."

posted 05-02-2001 05:10 AM         

Into the realm of The Scorpio King. This fierce astronomer promised his eye teeth to the ancient crone astrologer Kisha-hotep in exchange for a favourable astrological report long ago. He and his army have been cryogenically frozen in time, suspended between a leg of lamb and a side of beef in the local freezer ready to schill again, through five foot & mouth epidemics. The Scorpio King possesses powers, secrets and strengths beyond even the dreaded Doris Stokes! He is hungry, smelly and toothless - and should NOT be disturbed!

A tale of toothless wonders, astrological rip-off merchants, and ether-less dentistry with waterless drills...this is your WORST Nightmare!

Coming to a dentist near you soon...

------------------
Two's company...three's just plain greedy!

posted 05-02-2001 10:39 AM            

And now...

ALLY MCBAAL (1999)--In one of Calista Flockhart's earlier movie roles to pay for her starvation treatments, this Exorcist ripoff concerns a young woman (Flockhart) who is so thin she breaks the dimensional barrier and is infected by a demon. The only way to relieve her of it's curse is for several horny priests to 'impale her on their rods of desire.' After several boring scenes featuring gallons of pea soup and talking about the act, the movie ends as the first naked priest falls on the young woman, depriving everyone a look at Flockhart's deflated breasts.

The film's original title was "Fuck Me, I'm Possessed" but was changed when some expoitation film directors found this unreleased film hiding in a vault and released it to get money off the once-profitable McBeal name.

Thanks to Bell for providing the inspiration.

posted 05-02-2001 05:04 PM            

Roger Ebert called it 'genius' and awarded it four stars before his secret death and pod replacement in 1992.

posted 05-02-2001 05:11 PM            

But, a pair of producers buy "Eeky" in order to sell to the investors so they can run off with the money. But to their shock, they find that "Eeky" has become a hit! While Stupid is too stupid to get his rights and money, the producers run off to South America with all the money and join up with some old Nazis and plan to take over the world. However, due to monetary constraints, this subplot is ended mid-scene by stock footage of a mushroom cloud and dubbed screams as Stupid finds bus fare home by acting as a bitch for the local Romanian pimp.

posted 05-03-2001 01:20 PM            

The film was hidden underneath creator Sherwood Schwartz's garage and deemed unreleaseable by the film finale, in which Ginger and Mary Ann give birth to the Professor's children, only to have the freakish offspring devour Mary Ann and violently violate the Professor's ass.

posted 05-04-2001 01:15 AM            

After a rash of injuries decimates the Globetrotters, their old pal Gilligan returns the favor to the 'trotters for saving the Island from a corrupt Hotel owner, by suiting up with Americas favorite basketball team.

But on the eve before the big game in Miami the trotters bus breaks down in a remote part of Florida. So Meadowlark, Geese, Curly and Gillgan set off to find help.

As our heroes come to an oasis they notice all the vegetation and Wildlife seem so young, fresh and alive. Could this be the Fountain of youth that Ponce 'de Leon was looking for all those years ago?

The 3 trotters and Gilligan decide to head back to the bus to tell the rest about their amazing find, but almost immediatley 7 Florida Highway patrolmen and a psyghadelic van cut them off. Jumping out of the van is a blonde faggot prep, a slut, a 4-eyed-geek fat chick, a spaced out freak and a Great Dane..."Yes officers those are the jewel thiefs"

As Gilligan is being cuffed he mumbles "Damn meddling kids"

posted 05-04-2001 02:21 PM            

Crouching Fat Man, Hidden Fat Rolls (1992)--Started by a University of Arizona film student, this slowly grew into feature length when the man involved, a 990-pound Johnny Rectango, died and crushed a pack of old ladies who were following him in their Geo Metro. The film follows Rectango along the final two weeks of his life and visits 30 different restaurants, five fast food joints, and some alleyway with a ripe dumpster. The DVD of the film also has five alternate soundtracks: one with famed Barioatric researcher I.B. Beefy and another with people screaming whenever Rectango opens his mouth.

posted 05-11-2001 05:06 PM            

R.I.P. STUPID, THE TEN-YEAR-OLD-IN-DIAPERS. (2001)--In Don Ameche's last film performance, he plays a forty year old Stupid who, after finally realizing to crap without a diaper, plans to buy an apartment and move on with his life. Yet, he's still a freshman at his local high school and has his plans cruelly destroyed by the local sports hero, Brick Loincloth the 2nd. Bitter at his lack of a life, Stupid buys a gun and spends the second half of the movie committing awful atrocities as the soundtrack takes samples from "Hitler's Famous Speeches." Brick ends up castrated before the kindergarten classes and Stupid, realizing his failure in life, asks a local nerd if he can use his time machine and goes back into time, where he is still ten, to rebuild his life. Unfortunately, the time machine causes a paradox, and the adult Stupid becomes a man out of time, unable to change his future. So, he becomes Howie Mandel and fucks a watermelon in tears.