posted 04-09-2001 01:21 AM            

And yet, for the past year and a half, I've worked in an office supply store. Mention the past tense: within a week I will be gone from that little slice of suburbian hell, smack into a nice non-retail slice of hell which basically means wearing normal clothes and telling blind women where the lettuce is. And yet, I have many questions about my job. And one of them is this:

WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A FUCKING PALM PILOT?

In case you don't know (and then I envy you), a Palm Pilot is this handheld piece of shit that claims to be an organizer for all this important shit you think you need to remember. It has a monochrome screen so one day this Palm company can rip you off again with a brand new color one. It has many neato and expensive accessories and comes in the low low price of $400.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you are so ass-rammed into thinking your life is so damn full of stuff that you need a handheld mortgage to remind you, you seriously need help. Help that requires $4000 a day costs and requires you to wear a strait-jacket and have the threat of anal rape on your mind constantly.

Nobody outside of a CEO who has no life needs these things. These things are the Game Boy for the self-consious asshole who actually cares about casual Fridays. I don't care if you own this little piddly internet-based vase-making company, nobody needs a fucking electronic organizer. And if you do need a fucking reminder, WRITE IT DOWN ON A PIECE OF PAPER.

Let me rephrase that: WRITE IT DOWN ON A PIECE OF PAPER.

See? You save some money, and you get to repress the urge not to waste $30 on some styluses. Or that neato thing you cover the screen with.

So, as I end my retail career, I can honestly say I have lost all respect for human life. Once I was going to college to enhance mankind. Fuck that. I'm in it for the money, and humankind can fuck it's PCed ass. I no longer care if people starve. I no longer care if SUVs kill stupid yuppies who apparently have lives so important they can spend $400 on a stupid enhanced Tomagotchi YET cannot spend $500 more on a decent and fuel-effiecent car. Witness the superb paradox of modern-day life: those who have the patience to suffer through college to enhance human life have to suffer through demeaning jobs that make us hate human life, hence nothing gets done.

Where was I? Oh, yeah, stupid motherfuckers who use Palm Pilots. Here's a hint: WRITE IT DOWN. Save your time, money, and buy a house or beat a homeless person to death, I don't care.

*whew* Glad I got that off my chest. Thanks for listening and not responding as I know everyone will ignore this topic, hence the lack of "Rant" in the title.

posted 04-09-2001 10:24 AM            

Sounds like something that George Carlin would say - I don't know what his standpoint on Palm Pilots are. He more or less blows a gasket when he sees something that looks or sounds stupid.

I've read (and heard) some of his rants - he carries on about car alarms, airport announcements, and so on. It goes to show he can very well be famous for more than the "Seven Dirty Words" bit.

All the same, good stuff, Nick.