You're tired.

And in between the skanky yet provocative porn commercials, you're alone again in your unwashed jockey shorts and Doritos and wondering the eternal question of all those pathetic: Who Would You Screw on 'Lost in Space?'

So, thanks to the miracle of ZBU-VISION!, we will give you the scientifically concluded data on the subject. We begin...

JOHN ROBINSON, THE CAPTAIN

You are a woman (hopefully) who likes big, strong men in big, strong power. You like them clean-cut and always willing to travel to win your heart. You also have this odd Zorro fetish for no explanable reason.

DON WEST, THE PILOT

You are a woman (hopefully) who likes the second banana, especially if it's peeled and in whipped cream. Althrough you prefer a less muscular but masculine 'Robin' type, you secretly lust for the guy above who could take this pantywaist and kick his ass. You have a fetish for men getting humilated.

THE MOTHER ROBINSON...YOU KNOW, WHAT'S HER FACE.

You are a man, but not much of one. Come on! The woman has a horse face!! She looks 47!! What the fuck are you thinking? You have two virginal girls aboard and you're lusting after the old, mummified one? Goddamn, you motherfucker!! You have an odd fetish for necrophila and homemade cookies...at the same time.

THE BLONDE ROBINSON

You are a man who likes blondes. Why? Well, it ain't her looks, Goofy. Her skin is so freaking overtanned a lifetime past 30 of looking like her mother is more definite than a Democratic win. But still, she's a looker from behind and God knows you don't want brains with this souped-up cherry. You have an odd fetish for medicated suntan lotion.

PENNY ROBINSON

You are a man..and quite a man! She's young and perky and if she can be bossed around by the Fruit and his (dis)Charge, she can be turned to the side of good. She's a sweet thing and brainy, so you can easily twist her fragile still-forming psyche to your will so she becomes like your local Stepford German Shepard. Plus, she's a sweet thing who isn't that afraid of 'unknown' things. Fetishes? She'll do them all for your love, you stud you.

WILL ROBINSON

You're a woman (or dress like one) who needs something tender. Male? Female? They all look the same from where you stand. And face it, the kid's a Fag Hag for when Smith hits planetside. I mean, come on!! One more doomed romance and the guy's doing a Coconan! His ass is stretched farther than this show's suspension of disbelief!! Fetishes include leather and being dragged by the shoulders into immediate danger.

DR. SMITH

You're a fag/Xena worshipper. You like being the man and having someone wear a purse with all sincerity. You like having a sex object/punching bag who is too old to drink yet too young to go running to the cops. Face it, you want someone with enough audacity to go on Springer and defend your wife-beating piss-drinking ass. Fetishes include holding a boy by the shoulders at waist level and "The Pain, the Pain." Oh, the sweet pain.

THE ROBOT.