posted 10-17-2000 01:22 PM            

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Dear Mr. Zbu,

Recently, I came across your fantastic website and it brought to mind a question I have long asked myself. As a transplanted American in Ireland, I found myself laughing one night as BBC2 showed an episode of "Nuke the Irish," but I swear it was something completely American. Is this a trick courtsey of a rogue leprachaun or something much, much more devious?

Signed,

Trisha Thisaoke

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Dear Trisha,

Actually, it is a quite odd joke. You see, "Nuke the Irish" is a re-dubbed episode of the cult comedy classic American series, "Get A Life" starring Chris Elliott that ran on the fledging Fox Network in 1990-91. The show was about a 30-year-old paperboy (Elliott) who would get into odd and strange situations that make this Zbu look like C. Everett Coop. Sadly, most people didn't like it and it was cancelled midway through it's second season.

But, before Fox cancelled the series, the production company "Elliottland" made an entire season's worth of episodes (22). Learning that they would not be paid for the 9 episodes unaired, "Elliottland" learned that Fox itself would make a huge profit off of the unpaid episodes in foreign lands. The first of these lands happened to be Ireland. So, to revenge themselves on their cheap network, it is rumored that Chris Elliott took the remaining nine episodes, hired some Irish voice actors, and redubbed all the episodes with Irish voices THEN rewrote the shows. Suddenly a show about a 30-year-old paperboy who got into wacky adventures became a 30-year-old revolutionary Arab, overthrown then forced to live with an old KKK couple while planning to make a move on Ireland to take it over.

The neighbors in the show were changed into US 'sleeper' spies who would get the 'Dictator' weapons. Then, for the next nine weeks, the Dictator would try to build an ultimate weapon to destroy Ireland and fail with amusing conquences.

However, this was not to be. After viewing eight of the nine 'rebuilt' episodes, BBC2 dumped the show and supposedly returned them to Fox in their new 'ash' form. However, five of these shows have turned up in Denmark and Sweden, while the other three have been rumored to be shown in Japan and China. The final episode, where the Dictator supposedly blows up Cincinnati and Dublin, is still nowhere to be found. Althrough producer David Mirkin has claimed to have cut it down and placed several frames in the 'Simpsons' episodes he produced. So far, no one has ever claimed to see this fantastic episode.

Thanks for writing, Trisha!

--Zbu

If you have any questions regarding strange TV shows, please write to "Zbu, C/O this board, Walla Walla, Rooland, 2983479-eia."

posted 10-17-2000 01:33 PM            

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Dear Nick,

Recently, I've heard rumors of Nicklodeon rerunning "The Facts of Life," including three rare episodes 'never shown before ANYWHERE.' Can you tell me what these episodes are about?

Hey,
Dale Budioff

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Hey, Dale,

Sure, althrough you'll blame me later.

"The Facts of Life" was a silly little show that ran a long time through the late '70s and mid '80s during what I term "the saddest era of television." While it was billed as a comedy, it more than not inserted drama into itself to provide 'A MESSAGE.' Thankfully, this genre died out about the same time Valerie Harper's career did. Thank God.

Anyway, during this time it was natural for shows such as these to tackle 'sensitive' issues. Unfortunately, most of these issues were retreads of other shows but the three that will be shown on Nickledeon are quite..unique? Thanks to my sources at that particular channel, here they are:

"NATALIE GOES DOWN"--Natalie, the chubby one of the group, gets an in-depth lesson from Mrs. Garrett on how to perform oral sex. Hijinks ensue when Tootie tries this out on a German Shepard.

"MAXI-MUM COMFORT:--Hijinks ensue when Tootie loses her virginity but gets her feminine hygiene stuck WAY UP THERE. Can the girls help her retrieve it without irrepairable damage?

"GLYCERINE/PISSING GREEN"--Jo finds out that her boyfriend is really two naked midgets in a trenchcoat and finds her she's knocked up by BOTH of them. Hijinks ensue when Tootie is locked outside naked when the local church group is on Neighborhood Watch.

There you go...and I apologize in advance.

--Zbu

If you have any questions regarding strange TV shows, please write to "Zbu, C/O this board, Walla Walla, Rooland, 2983479-eia."

posted 10-17-2000 03:38 PM            

Do what I would do. Rent an Olsen Twins video to get ideas. But, in reality, use this to lend proof to your insanity plea and pick an axe of your choice. Go nuts. Spill the blood. DEATH, DEATH, DEATH.

Trust me, it's the only real way to take care of problems. Talking things over? BAH! That's for the wussy.

--Zbu

If you have any questions regarding strange TV shows, please write to "Zbu, C/O this board, Walla Walla,Rooland, 2983479-eia."

posted 10-17-2000 09:29 PM            

I have followed your advice on solving problems by spilling blood. So when the lady in the booth decided she would give me the change in very small pieces, I disagreed, but I didn't tell her that. I just chopped her head off. Right now I'm in a low-security prision so if you have a spare hours, come see me, and make sure to walk really close to the fence.

posted 10-18-2000 10:36 AM            

A couple of weeks ago I dropped a very heavy paperweight on my big toe. It hurt just a little, but I walked with a limp. Over the next few days it became blue and let out a pungent aroma. Right now the swelling and bruising has spread above the knee, and I have no sensation in said area.

Then my girlfriend said I should have it looked at by a doctor. So my question is, how do I stand up to such a controlling bitch?

posted 10-18-2000 06:40 PM            

Do what I would do. Eat an eggplant then spit the seeds at that woman at NO LESS THAN 20 miles per hour. Teach that woman about talking back!!

--Zbu (almost recommended the 'Stepford Treatment.')

posted 10-19-2000 07:02 PM            

Yes, but you must tell everyone. I mean, a cure for cancer is important.

--Zbu

posted 10-19-2000 07:07 PM         

Why was I born??

Signed ,,, er ,,, psst. Who am I again??

posted 10-22-2000 01:36 PM            

I was wondering if you knew how to get ride of a principle who hates kids.

Lotsa Love,