posted 10-01-2000 01:22 AM            

BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

You are probably 24 years old and live with your parents. You own all the Battlestar Galactica episodes on tape except for the ones that weren't officially released. You cower in fear that the FBI will hunt you down and steal all your magical Mormon based adventures. You call your dog Starbuck and rue that name of that stupid kid who died when playing with that missile-shooting Viper. DAMN HIS EYES!!!

John Colico is your 'special' friend.

STAR WARS

You're probably 24 years old, and wear jeans and a T-shirt constantly. You quote both Vader and Obi-Wan but realize when your friends are getting sick of you. You call your Gremlin "The Millenium Falcon" and rue the day George Lucas finds out about your 'unauthorized' website with nude photos of Mark Hamill in the 'mail' section.

You own every single variant of the Yoda figure, including the one that cost you an assault charge in Toys R Us. But every four year old kid needs a beating once and a while.

Your greatest moment? When you met Carrie Fisher and watched her pick up her pen, only to get an eyeful of Leia Boobs.

STAR TREK (Original Series)

You are probably 35 to 40 years of age, and remember when you first copped a feel while watching "The Menagerie." Part One, because you were scoring when Kirk doubted Spock, man....

You have also smoked crack and didn't date until you were 21. You might still live at home and/or be a successful computer programmer. You refuse to believe that Kirk wears a rug.

Leonard Nimoy? He made a name for himself, man.

posted 10-01-2000 01:40 AM            

You are probably between 15 and 45 yet still live at home. Sadly, you left college just before completing your science degree to make the trek to see that Troi chick do a lapdance at Trekathon '98. Ever since, you have been 'trekking' the net on your iMac your Grandma gave to you to find the best in porn. Your ethernet bills are making your retired parents go rocketing into the poorhouse.

You believe that Star Trek: Generations was the biggest mistake in the history of Trekdom because they killed Kirk yet destroyed your favorite version of the Enterprise. You went to 'First Contact' and "Insurration" to physically mock the Enterprise-E and got your favorite "Worf is my warrior friend' shirt ripped in the process. Friends (aka the guys at the video store) mock you and call you "Klingon Bitch." You always correct them, saying that the Klingons don't have whores and call their women "Kaiiuvooa."

Your best moment is when you quoted a whole entire line of Klingon Death Chants before getting your ass kicked by a group of four year olds. You are similar to the Comic Book Guy on "the Simpsons."

STAR TREK: Deep Space Nine

You're a 19 year old person who lives in the basement of some building. You think that it's about fucking time that the Federation got a jive-talkin mofo that has an overpowered intergalactic version of a Caddy. You personally wonder if Dax and Sisko got it on. You also wonder why Odo doesn't make a gun out of one of his arms and blow the head off that fucking Ferengi mofo.

You also hate that second Dax to the point of emailing her a rotten note explaining how you could gut her and put that slimy worm thing in your own ass and it could act better.

STAR TREK Voyager

You don't exist. You are a formless void of air, created in the minds of various Paramount executives. You don't have an opinions except for the rabid insistance that Seven-of-Nine is hot, despite the fact that she hardly resembles an actor, much less a Borg.

Sadly, you have more brain matter than Paramount executives do or ever did. You also think giving the Voyager 'gel-packs so it could think like a human' pretty fucking stupid. You long for the day where you could be less pathetic, like a Next Gen fan or such.

CONTINUED.

posted 10-01-2000 01:43 AM            

Besides, I think the Defiant was pretty damn cool. Wish I had a fucking 'overpowered and overgunned' prototype for kicking Borg ass. Nice to know some human tendincies don't change in the future...heh heh heh...

posted 10-01-2000 01:45 AM            

Hmmmmm.....hot women in disco-futurstic dress.....*drool*

posted 10-01-2000 06:05 PM            

Yeah, right. First off, the second Dax was ugly, stupid, and couldn't tell her own ass from that big ass nose of hers. And second, Seven of Nine would be hot if she could act and cut out that Borg schtick. It might have been easier if they kept her a true Borg instead of all the 'implant' shit.

Face it: Seven of Nine was the Poochie of Voyager's 'Itchy and Scratchy' farcus.

posted 10-02-2000 12:17 AM            

You call everybody smeghead. Unfortunately, since you're around 20, everybody thinks you're a Christian because you can swear. This leads to a lot of violent attacks on your person. You describe your days as either being "I'm Lister" or "I'm Rimmer." Of course, this leads to more beatings.

You often try to impress girls with your memorized Rimmer insults but their eyes get glassy after you mention "Golf-Sized Scrotums of Pus." With your love life, being trapped in a giant spaceship and being the only member of the human race left seems like a step up. You also realize the Cat dresses like a fem.

Your greatest moment is when you fell facefirst on your brother's magnetic letter collection and had a H on your forehead for the whole day.

posted 10-03-2000 09:54 AM            

"Space Corps Directive 1092793.4? 'Any officer found having sexual relations with a vending machine will be launched into space?'"