posted 06-19-2001 08:36 PM            

Okay, so this is already being hailed as the best video game to movie ever. Is that really saying much? Consider the crap like Super Mario Brothers or Wing Commander offered in this genre. There you go.

So Lara Croft is a treasure hunter, and is not held in the confines of looking "girly." She doesn't wear dresses or bake cookies, she only kicks ass. If I could seriously picture her as some postmodernist feminist, she'd shave her head, let the armpits go, and trade in her boots for some birkenstock. At least she lost the bra.

As a matter of fact, a better title for this would have been "Lara Croft's Breasts" and that's it. Angelina Jolie (Croft) jiggles and flaunts like she was sending semaphore with those things. There's even a shower scene where she gives us a glimpse at them. If I were her butler, I'd make it a point every day to ask, "Beg pardon, mum, but you wouldn't mind terribly smacking me in the face with those tip-top knockers, would you?" What's the worst she'd say, no?

Incidentally, the butler Hilary is played by Chris Barrie, who played Rimmer on Red Dwarf. That snuffing he does with his nose is perfect for this movie, because he always has this look on his face like, "I can't believe this toffer made out with her brother." Croft also keeps a techie named Bryce around for building robots. As a nerd, I can tell you that I too have been the victim of having a hot babe manipulating him into doing her homework. I figure him setting up a series of spy cameras around the house would compensate for being her cyber-slave.

Croft discovers an old clock hidden in her house, which turns out to be a device that can open the gears and retrieve one of two halfs of an old triangle, which can send one back in time. Maybe Jolie could have used it to leap back into Gone in 60 Seconds and get her a second cameo. The time travel is because of the recent aligning of the planets, which almost no one on Earth seems to have noticed. Come on, let's see some crazy planet-alignment cult action!

Croft finds out that a group called the Illuminati want to find the triangle and use it to rule the world. The crew raid her house and steal the clock, which allows for some indiscriminate killing and jiggling. Croft tracks the Illuminati to Cambodia, where the temple containing the first piece is found. So how the hell did they know where it was in the first place if it was hidden five thousand years ago? She has to battle Manfred Powell, hired by the Illuminati to find the triangle, and Alex West, an American reporter familiar with Croft. He never once looks down at her chest, so calling him gay isn't a such a ridiculous conclusion.

Croft then goes to Venice, where she learns about the Illuminati and that her father was a member. Her father, Lord Richard Croft, is played by Jon Voight, Jolie's real-life father. Every so often Jolie flashes back to when she remembers her father, and he reminds her that he is responsible for her being here. "Oh, yes, dad, you brought me into this world." "No no, I mean in this movie. If I hadn't dragged you around to meet all those perverted Hollywood producers you wouldn't have a career. Don't kid yourself, dear."

Croft heads to Russia, where she and Powell had agreed to find the second half of the triangle together. Why hey let her ride along instead of just shooting her there is beyond me, but I guess those who want to take over the world have a strict honour code. Or maybe they wanted to watch her bounce when the pilots hit some "turbulence."

So they get to the second triangle and join the pieces. Croft uses it to go back in time to see her father, but he tells her to destroy the bugger. She uses it to save the life of Alex West, who was about to die at the hands of Powell. Powell stabs himself like an idiot and the day is saved.

In the interest of transferring video games to movies, may I next suggest the exciting adventures of Sim City, where you can sit back and watch a city grow and expand! Anything but this "action" flick. As a video game buff, I am disappointed, but as a normal man with normal desires, I find this movie absolutely titillating. I can only give it two "Link Bonking You With a Hammer for Seeing This Turkey"s out of five. And remember: it's rude to point.

posted 06-20-2001 04:19 AM            

Anyhow, yeah - The father-daughter relationship thing was cheesy, even if it was a supposed "reflection" of the real life relationship between Jolie and her once estranged father.

and as far as the plot goes... think about the plots of the games...go here, collect this artifact, match it up with this other one...its the same stuff, really.

posted 06-20-2001 08:37 AM         

(STILL have to go see it...it's got Chris Barrie in it...worth a look for that if nothing else! Besides, I love a good heckle!)

PS...good review, RJ!