posted 06-16-2001 06:17 AM            

"I want to be a ventriloquist", he announced. "I've already picked out my dummy, and I even know what his name's going to be: Lance! Just like me!".

Lance's mother became very serious. Sadly, she described the life of a ventriloquist - the hardships, the sacrifices. She reminded Lance that all ventriloquists must have a "ventrilectomy" - an expensive operation where a doctor surgically removes your tongue, and then implants it into a dummy's mouth. "It's a very serious procedure.", she told Lance. She urged him to think carefully before choosing this career. But Lance wasn't listening. It was his destiny to be the best ventriloquist ever, and he wasn't going to let a little operation stop him.

So, the next day, Lance and his mother went back to the ventriloquism store and purchased the dummy. Lance brought it to the hospital, and, snuggling it under his arm, he went into surgery.

After the ventrilectomy, Lance woke up and tried to call to his mother, but he couldn't make a sound. Then Lance remembered that he didn't have a tongue anymore. His tongue was in the mouth of the wooden doll lying next to him. He picked up the dummy, and, through it, he spoke to him mother. He told her that the ventrilectomy seemed to have worked. He said that he felt fine, and couldn't wait to start performing.

Luckily, there was a big talent show coming up the next day. Lance's mother didn't want him to enter because the entrance fee was too high. But Lance convinced her that it was worth the money. He'd certainly earn it all back when he brought home 1st prize!

That night, Lance was so excited that he couldn't sleep. Instead, he planned his act. He decided that it would be very professional if he and his dummy wore matching, plaid leisure suits. Lance's mother purchased these outfits the next morning. Then she drove Lance to the talent show.

Unfortunately, Lance passed some boys on his way in to the building. They pointed at him and his dummy, and they laughed. Then they said that all ventriloquists were nerds! Hearing this, Lance was very surprised. He had always thought that ventriloquism was very cool. Could he have been wrong? By the time he was called up on stage, he had completely lost his confidence.

The audience applauded and waited for him to start. But Lance was so nervous that he forgot everything he'd planned. He couldn't think of any jokes. He couldn't even remember his dummy's name!

Then, in a mirror on the back wall, he saw himself, standing there with his dummy in matching, plaid leisure suits, and he thought, "Boy, I really do look silly! No one's gonna cheer for me. No one's gonna give me money or birch beer. I'm just gonna get laughed at!" Then he walked off the stage.

The next act featured the boys he had met at the door. They were all in a rock band. Watching them play, Lance regretted his recent decision. Why did he ever want to be a ventriloquist? It's much more cool to be in a rock band!

When Lance's mother heard about this, she became very angry. She had spent so much money on Lance's ventrilectomy that she didn't have enough for a reverse-ventrilectomy – the operation where a doctor removes your tongue from the dummy’s mouth, and implants it back into yours. All that Lance’s mother could afford was a cheap radio vocal chord approximator which converted thought waves into primitive electronic speech patterns.

Coming home from the discount store with this awkward device implanted in his throat, Lance glared at his mother. He wanted to say, "Mom! Don't you know anything?! A rock star has to look good! He can't have an antenna sticking out of his mouth! He can't have battery packs strapped under his arms!".

But when Lance tried to say these things, all that came out of his mouth was static and fragments of radio talk shows. His mother drove on, not noticing as Lance screamed and screamed at her, twisting his head from side to side, hoping to get better reception.