posted 06-16-2001 05:53 AM            

Day after day, the devil returned to Lance’s room to tighten, polish and perfect his ventriloquism routine. Taking Lance’s advice, he even began brushing his teeth and taking breath mints because, as everyone knows, there’s a limit to how funny a comedian can be if his breath smells of rotten eggs.
Though the work was both physically and emotionally draining, the devil persevered until, finally, one day, Lance decided that Satan was ready to put on a show.
“You can perform right in my garage!” Lance proposed. “We’ll put up signs in school and all over town! Everyone will come to see you! After all, it’s not every day that the devil, himself, puts on a comedy show!”
“Yes, they will come, won’t they?" the devil gushed. "Oh Lance! I can see them now! Laughing and clapping! Laughing and clapping! I’m going to be so funny! I just know it! And then I’ll give up deviling to pursue ventriloquism full-time! I will, Lance! I’m going to be the best ventriloquist in the world! Maybe even the universe!”
“Yes, Satan, I’m sure you will,” said Lance, chuckling at the devil’s naive enthusiasm.
Without delay, Lance and Satan began making plans. They picked a date and time, and made a flier. “Live in Lance’s garage!” it read. “THE DARK PRINCE OF COMEDY! Satan and his dummy, Satan, will sing ventriloquist songs, dance ventriloquist dances and perform hysterical comedy routines!”
“Come see the show!” advertised Lance as he posted the flier in school and all over town.
“Come see the show!” advertised Satan, handing out fliers in the playground, beside the monkey bars.
Excitedly, Lance and Satan planned every moment, every aspect of the show. They set up an auditorium in Lance’s garage using bright, red tablecloths as curtains, using lawn chairs and picnic benches for seating. To keep the audience in a good mood, they selected a Dixieland medley as the devil’s theme music. They even selected costumes - matching, plaid leisure suits for Satan and his dummy!
On the day of the show, as the garage filled up with people, Lance helped Satan get ready. He groomed Satan’s beard, combed down the hair on Satan’s hairy, goat legs. Lance was so proud and so excited! Under his guidance, Satan had come so far! And now, at last, the moment had come when all of the devil’s hard work would pay off!
“It’s time, my friend,” said Lance, smoothing out the wrinkles on Satan’s plaid leisure suit.
Satan smiled a smooth, casual smile. Then he popped a breath mint, and, cradling his dummy in his arms, he marched down to the garage with Lance by his side.
As Lance had predicted, everyone was there - all the children from the neighborhood including Lance’s sister, Mallory, Jimmy Reo and little Annie Brickhouse. The music teacher, Mrs. Moyes, was there. And so was the school janitor, Mr. Bice. Even the Principal and the stoop-shouldered, old librarian and master of the occult, Mr. Gordon, had come to see the devil perform.
Unfortunately, when Satan saw them all lined up on picnic benches and lawn chairs, he grew extremely agitated and lost all his confidence.
Dixieland music erupted from a speaker set beside the stage. The audience applauded. The music and the applause swirled around Satan, made him more and more uneasy. Feeling faint, he leaned against Lance for support. Lance pushed him away, nudged him onward.
As the music faded, Satan shuffled to the center of the stage, but he was so nervous that he forgot everything that he and Lance had planned. He couldn’t remember any of his jokes. He couldn’t even remember his dummy’s name. Watching Satan standing silently on-stage, rocking unsteadily back and forth, the audience grew restless and hostile.
“Get on with it, Satan!” someone heckled. “We don’t have all day!”
“Yeah, Satan! We’re waitin’!” hollered little Annie Brickhouse with a giggle.
Soon all the children were giggling along, pointing at Satan and his dummy in their matching plaid leisure suits and chanting, “Satan, we’re waitin’! Satan, we’re waitin’! Satan, we’re waitin’! SATAN! WE’RE WAITIN’!”
Hearing their taunts, gazing out upon their smirking faces, Satan stiffened with rage. His dark black eyes grew even darker. His red face grew even redder.
“You dare to mock the devil?!!!!” he roared, baring his misshapen yellow fangs to the crowd. “You dare to mock Lucifer, Ruler of the Underworld? Well, I’ll show you! I’LL SHOW YOU ALL!!!!!”
“No!” Lance wanted to yell. “No, Satan! Don’t!” But before he could utter a word, he felt the floor start to shake beneath him.
A flash of lightning! A clap of thunder! And then all was chaos in Lance’s garage! Bats swarmed down from the ceiling. Snakes slithered from tool chests. Everywhere Lance turned he saw horrible beasts - bears, tigers, lions, giant three-headed dogs - all with eyes dark and angry, just like Satan’s.
The devil's rotten-egg breath spread out like smoke from the stage. Overtaken by the stench, frightened by the demonic hoard, the children ran madly about, tripping over each other, holding their noses, shouting. Mrs. Moyes fainted into the arms of the Principal. Even Mr. Gordon, master of the occult, looked petrified as he huddled behind his lawn chair, trembling.
Fortunately for everyone, Lance located the garage door opener. The door slid slowly open, allowing the audience to crawl outside, and, soon, the garage was empty except for Lance and Satan. The bats, snakes, bears, tigers, lions and three-headed dogs had vanished as quickly as they had appeared.
Shaking his head disapprovingly, Lance approached the stage.
“Satan,” he said sternly, “I’m afraid you forgot the most important rule of all. Never, Satan, never blame the audience!”
Crestfallen, unable to face Lance, Satan stared at his cloven feet and nodded. “Yes, Lance. Of course, you’re right” he muttered. “I was very unprofessional, wasn’t I?”
Then, throwing his dummy to the floor of the stage, Satan burst into tears and ran from Lance’s garage, sobbing.