posted 06-28-2001 09:32 AM            

Attention All Newbies: In order to proceed with your postings, you must take this test so that we may properly identify your mental defect. (I devised it in high school, so Whoop-de-doo.)

1. According to your last examination, you have recently had recurring dreams. Fill in the blank that most closely matches your dream.

[ ] I am sitting under an oak tree, in a lush field of rich green grass under a bright blue sky. As I stare dazedly at the large white clouds passing by, a herd of rabbits unexpectedly come to graze near my feet. I look slowly around at the multitudes of brown, white, and grey rabbits surrounding me, a wicked gleam comes into my eye. I stand up, stretch, reach into the back pocket of my pants, and flip out my A-K 47. The sky turns a dark, blood red, making the grass pale to brown in comparison, and with a hysterical laugh, I begin to blow those suckers to smithereens! Hahahahahaha!!

[ ] I am playing with my little brown dog, Buster. As I try to teach him to shake hands, he grabs my shoulders with both paws, looks me straight in the eyes, and says "Did I ever tell you, you are my hero?" After this there are brief images, much like snapshots in a photo album of Buster and I at some tropical island. I am wearing my bikini/swimsuit, and Buster is fetching the paper for me.

[ ] I am walking home from school in pouring rain. Suddenly that weird song starts to play from nowhere (Faces come out of the rain…when you're strange….), and I clutch my ears and scream. People begin to stare at me, wondering what is going on, and then I realize I am wearing headphones. Oh wait, that happened yesterday.

[ ] I am flying through the air. As I fly across meadows, forests, and through the mountains, I look down below and see multitudes of people, of all races, cheering for me. Slowly I fly towards a lake in the distance, and I clearly hear clapping from below. As I fly 100 feet above the blue-green surface of the lake, I realize I am a duck not a swallow, and as hard as I flap my wings, I cannot stay in the air. So, I fall to the water, where I land harshly. A hunter's dog grabs me in it's mouth and begins to carry me out of the water. As I look around, I realize everyone I saw previously were hunters in different colored suits, and they had all been shooting at me.

2. Which best describes you?

[ ] Well, if you are referring to "Nancy", she's the happy one who makes bonnets for dogs with flea problems. "Kilroy" is the little pyro-child. Then there's crazy Glen, the serial killer. Which one are you referring to anyway?

[ ] Shut up! No, I'm talking do you see? No!! I will not do that! The psychologist is a nice man! I will not take this pen and gore his eye out! You stop it, you hear me!! STOP IT!!!

[ ] Well, I, Sometimes. Then yeah, well. I should see because then sometimes well, yeah. Of then, course then, then. Stop, Start, laugh, yeah. No. No yeah.

[ ] Brrrawk! Brrrawk!! Arf, arf, arf!! Merrreoww!!! Ch chchchchchch!!!

[ ] Well, sometimes when I'm nervous, I take my hands, like this, and put them under my arms…see? Then I smell them like this….That's bad…isn't it? That's …yeah, that's naughty, I'm sorry…

3. How often do you feel tense or nervous?

[ ] once a week, twice on Sundays

[ ] nervous…nervous, huh? Huh? HUH?!?!? NERVOUS?!? DO I LOOK NERVOUS TO YOU?!?!?!

[ ] It depends on if that little green martian Kyreik is around. He's very famous, you know. He told me he's the king of Rigelia!!!

[ ] I never feel nervous. The last time I felt nervous ended up in a tragic accident involving a sheep and an industrial blender.

4. DO PEOPLE SEEM LIKE THEY ARE SHOUTING AT YOU?

[ ] yes
[ ] maybe
[ ] definitely

4. How often do you experience de-ja-vu?

[ ] Often
[ ] pretty often
[ ] sometimes
[ ] now

5. What was the first phrase on your mind this morning?

[ ] RED RUM!!
[ ] "The ides of March cometh…Et tu, Brute?"
[ ] "always Coca-Cola"
[ ] "Must……destroy……Dr. ________"
[ ] I didn't have any phrase in my mind this morning. Just an image of the apocalypse.

6. Who most inspired you while you were growing up?

[ ] Charles Manson
[ ] Marilyn Manson
[ ] Hanson

7. What is a favorite past time of yours?

[ ] collecting pennies and nickels from water fountains to buy a nice sponge.
[ ] spinning in circles, then telling everyone to stop floating around.
[ ] digging in the trash can to add to my nice collection of dead rats.
[ ] Pretending I am a famous movie star while buying shoes at Kmart.
[ ] checking the light to make sure it is turned off at 10 second intervals for about 3 hours.

8. How do you manage your anger?

[ ] I count to ten, then hold my breath until I faint and go into seizures.
[ ] I bang my head against any hard surface until I feel dizzy and have to lay down.
[ ] I bite the person's head off who is bothering me. Literally.
[ ] I…..I….I don't recollect what happened the last time I was angry, but those strait jackets sure are restrictive!!

9. Here -> * is an ink blot. Describe what it most closely matches
[ ] A bloody, spinning razor that has just cut through your stomach. Bwahahaha!!!
[ ] ……Mother? Mother, can you hear me??? Go towards the light! TOWARDS THE LIGHT MOTHER!!!!
[ ] A crowd of people, spinning around, and around…and around….and….oh boy, I'm gonna be sick!
[ ] I once had a dog like that…his name was Hairball…what a nice, nice doggy….I want to pet it…there. Thank you. I feel so much more….complete now.
[ ] Where is an ink blot?

11. In which grade did you learn to count?

[ ] 1st
[ ] 2nd
[ ] 3rd
[ ] after college

12. What were the expenses of your last psychologist?

[ ] upwards of $900,000 an appointment.
[ ] I dunno. Ask my insurance company.
[ ] Money? I pay? Okay, I leave office now.

13. Why do you feel you must see a psychologist?

[ ] The nice men in white lab coats told me so.
[ ] Wait…I wanted a psychiatrist! It's all about the Prozac!
[ ] Well, if you look at the homicide of 12,000 Armenian mice, it may indicate a reason.
[ ] No! It's called a "counselor", okay?!?! OKAY?!?!?
[ ] I am a psycho. I need a logist of psychos to relate to.

14. What do you feel is the worst attribute of your character?

[ ] My squawking and egg-laying
[ ] My green skin and pale, beige eyes.
[ ] That thing I do.
[ ] When I'm too nice to people and I don't kill them, but instead just sort of torture them for awhile.
[ ] Sometimes I don't pay enough for psychologist appointments.

15. Here is a logic test. Choose the one that most closely seems rational

[ ] Home - living room - television - knife - closet - cat - Kill! Kill! Kill!
[ ] rain - shower - faucet - blood - scream - hallucinations - hospital bed
[ ] forest - trees - monkeys - office - people - anger - needle - injections - happy
[ ] water - stapler - hair - magazine - cow - wisdom
[ ] denial-anger-depression-acceptance

16. How often have you felt lonely in the past month?

[ ] Once a week. Twice on Sundays.
[ ] I'm not lonely! I have all the little purple people-eaters who seep out from the cracks in my wall to entertain me!
[ ] I'm on a dirty brown raft inside a cold, dark wet place. It's raining and…oh wait…that's my "stuck-in-the-toilet" vision.
[ ] Gawsh, yes! My maw tells me I needs to eat my vittles if ever Im'a gonna grow! Oh… ……………...… har har har! I thought you said "bony"! Har har harrrr!

17. Do you currently take any medication?

[ ] Uh…um…oohh…Golly that's a tough one…Lemme just uh…step out for a moment…here…uh….
[ ] Yes, Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, Valium, and Viagra. But don't write that last one!
[ ] Sometimes I take a little of the ol' Peyote-Cocaine combination (snffsnff) just ta…ya know, clear up my sinuses.
[ ] Well, let me ask you a question, Mr. Psychiatrist…or whatever you claim to be….How many roads must a man walk down, huh? HUH? Before you, yes I'm talkin' to you ass-wipe! Before YOU can call him a man? Huh? Yeah, that's what I thought!

18. How many roads must a man walk down, before you can call him a man?

[ ] ONE…no, uh no…that's not my final answer…um…two…no wait, uh…can I use a lifeline? I'd like to call a friend.
[ ] HEY! DON'T YOU BE REPEATING WHAT I SAY, YA ASSWIPE! YEAH, YOU!
[ ] well, it depends on how many seas a white dove must sail…before she sleeps in the sand.
[ ] The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind.

19. If you had one wish, what would it be?

[ ] That's an easy one. That all the children in the world unite…yes, alll children of alll colors unite, in one big pot, and well, the rest pretty much speaks for itself…tee hee!
[ ] That my husband is granted his one lifetime desire…to be a girl!!
[ ] Now is that a half-formed wish? Or is that a half-warmed fish? Because those fish give me the most awful cramps, you see, and…
[ ] That Rosie O'Donnell, Oprah Winfrey, Jerry Springer, and Ricki Lake host a huge fund-raising Gala event for disabled animals that reunites long-lost relatives Barney, Baby Bop, Tinky Winky, La-la, Po, Dipsy, Blue from Blue's Clues, Pikachu, Jiggly-Puff, and Charmander. Yes, (sobbing), that would be just beautiful.

20. Do you believe you are mentally unstable?

[ ] Yes No.
[ ] I AM NOT RETARDED!! I AM NOT A RETARD! SHUT UP! I HATE YOU MOM! I HATE YOU, YOU EVIL, LIFE-SUCKING BITCH! YOU MOTHER F%&ING WHOORE!!
[ ] You ask me if I am mentally unstable because you, perhaps, are the mentally unstabkrrrrrr…..beep….beep….[ERROR #322: LOGICAL LOOP. DOES NOT COMPUTE. SHUTDOWN IMMINENT]…..5…4….3…2…
[ ] You'll have to speak to my lawyer before proceeding.

21. What is your slogan to approaching life?

[ ] Don't shoot until you see the whites of their eyes.
[ ] Please do not operate heavy machinery while taking this medication.
[ ] I know what you did last summer. Scream.
[ ] I'm being followed by a moonshadow….it's a frightening thing, really….I mean, so much risk in losing eyes, hands, feet, ……….the list just goes on and on.

4. Are you sure you only experience deja-vu "often"?

[ ] Okay, okay….all the time.
[ ] Didn't you just ask me that, right now?
[ ] Look, I'm not kidding you with my coyness here, so just stick the probe up my [omitted] already and I'll be good to go!

22. What is your name?

[ ] Shirley Temple of the Sheik.
[ ] Madame Bovary
[ ] John Hancock
[ ] C-Y-3-P Double O. Shaken, not stirred.

23. Are you feeling drowsy?

[ ] Gee, let me think for a second here….
[ ] Why, is there a fire somewhere?
[ ] Depends on how you define "Are"….
[ ] (looking Psychologist menacingly in the eye) What happens if I say "Yes"?

24. Cuantos cuentos conoces?

[ ] Cuatro.
[ ] Woops….I think I flipped the form over again…those damned Chinese and their crazy, mixed up language!
[ ] Shitem!! Shitem!!
[ ] Oh, I see how it is!! I KNEW THOSE DAMNED COMMIE PIGS WON ALL ALONG! BUT NOOOOOO, NO ONE WOULD BELIEVE ME! WHY? BECAUSE I'M THE CRAZY ONE, I'M THE NUT-CASE! I'M…..

25. If you were sexually harassed during one of your visits, who would you report it to?

[ ] Hair-Issed! HAIR-ISSED! Not "HARR-ASSED!" God, public education is crumbling right under our noses!
[ ] My English teacher, Mrs. Hankeloo? She always makes me write reports and stuff…..
[ ] heh heh heh…depends on whose doin' the harassment, if ya know what I mean honey-muffin (wink, wink)
[ ] That Rigelian husband of mine. He's the only one who I allow to…oh, well never mind about THAT.

26. What does the adage "Read between the lines" mean to you?

[ ] Don't do drugs?
[ ] It means what it says, duh. When you're flying on United Airlines, read between the skylines!! You can find God! I've done it several times. In fact, on the trip here I just….
[ ] Now, you stop it with your psycho-man mumbo jumbo! If I told you once, I told you a hundred times….
[ ] Don't do drugs?

27. How many crimes or misdemeanors have you committed in the last year?

[ ] Twenty…Oh wait, Ah hahahahaha! I thought it said in the last WEEK, now this…this is a different story.
[ ] Only about one…Yeah, the sheep…blender thingie…it's a mark on my record [sigh], but I guess I have to live it down.
[ ] I killed a mime named Chris Demienor…ah, but whose counting, really?
[ ] [Grasping hands to head] MAKE THE BAD MAN STOP! MAKE HIM STOP! THE MILK! ITS BAD MILK! KILL THE BAD MILK MAN!! BITE HIM! BITE HIM AGAIN! IN THE ANKLE! NOW IN THE LEG!! NOW IN THE CROTCH!! KILL HIM! GRRRR….ARF ARF!! ARRRROOOOO!!

28. Do you ever feel like you didn't achieve "enough" in life?

[ ] Well, when I think back on the trials…the tribulations, the struggles, the heartbreaks, the tears, the long lonely nights without anyone to hold onto, the cold, stark mornings when I'd find his fresh corpse laying in a bath tub filled with blood…I give myself a happy little sigh and try to tell myself it's not all just a dream I'll have to wake up from some day….
[ ] Oh, I do. I do. And then I don't. I stop myself. I hit myself. I take a bat, and just give myself a hearty whack on the head. Knocks me right out cold for days. I wake up, and I'm all refreshed and happy again!
[ ] Well, I'm only about 656,987 years old. I mean, come on! Life isn't near over yet! I have so much time!
[ ] Yes! YES! OHHHH YESSSS!!! OH YESS!! OHHHHHH….see, that's what we call "faking an orgasm."

29. What were your parents like?

[ ] Father: Very, very, very overprotective. I mean, like, "Get your ass out of this house right now before I call the cops" protective. Mother: I'll never get rid of my memories of that neglectful bitch - I said SPRINKLED, YOU COCK-EYED, MOUSTACHED FREAK! SPRINKLED! NOT GLAZED! God. I hated her.
[ ] I don't really remember. I was raised by a pack of wild gorillas for the first six years of my life, so really…I couldn't tell you….even if I tried….you know?
[ ] YOU THILLY! I WATHN'T RAITHED BY PARENTH! I wath hatched from an egg, like my thiblingth. Theeth!
[ ] They look….like….a man. And a woman. No…no, they look like a man…and another man….you know? Like….Monkey in the bush! Monkey in the bush!!

30. If I were to suggest another psychological appointment, how would you react?

[ ] Any time, Cutie! [slaps psychologist's rear as he/she leaves]
[ ] My psychiatrist says I need to Pro-act, not Re-act. So, I don't think I'll be coming here again.
[ ] I'm not an actor. I swear. I'm not. I'm really really insane. I've never acted the part of an insane person before, so I don't think I can do it again.
[ ] How, or why? Because I'm really only happy if you're happy, you know, so I just want to make sure we're on the same wave-length here. Otherwise….well, let's not delve into the consequences of otherwise. Too messy. Too much gore.

Signature: _______________________

posted 06-28-2001 05:34 PM            

Besides, this wasn't originally intended for newbies, anyhow. I created it while going through divorce counseling because I was sick of the kind of bullshit I was being put through. If you've ever gone to counseling or filled out any kind of evaluation form, it might make more sense. After filling out the form, usually the first appointment would begin with probing into the kind of parents you had, your emotional well-being, and sometimes your "love life".I just decided to post it here because of its juvenile nature. But hey, I still find it pretty funny.

posted 06-29-2001 03:41 PM            

" HAPPY WELCOME LAND A friendly place where Chimps with Diapers can run freely hither and thither, frolicking in ignorant bliss. "

…All I'm going to say. I have the feeling that a Newbie would have the crap kicked out of them if they were to venture out side of "happy welcome land" so... go make fun off us somewhere else k?
Notice that I'm probably the only Newbie with enough balls (well umm maybe not BALLS exactly hehe) to say this shit...I hope yous respect that Lol doubtful though...darn

oh yeah....To all Newbies Step right up and Join the U.F.N !!!(Union For Newbies) lol

posted 07-01-2001 11:55 AM            

Fuck you.

posted 07-02-2001 03:50 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Captain Napalm:
Case b, this is important, so remeber to move your lips with the words so that it goes in, and you understand.

Fuck you.

P.S no, Fuck you!

---

posted 07-02-2001 07:04 AM            

Oh, this is all becoming so confusing and rather effeminate...

Well, as long as we don't end up giving each other pedicures and staying up all night giggling at unfashionable hairstyles from Cosmo, I can take that as a compliment.

Jogger, on the other hand is too far gone....

Yes, I'm afraid its true...Those naughty deflowering harlots() over in The Lotus Position have truly given Jogger a warped sense of feminine power...

posted 07-02-2001 07:36 AM         

quote:

---

Those naughty deflowering harlots( ) over in The Lotus Position

---

posted 07-02-2001 05:53 PM            

I have always believed you're a regular poser.

Hahahahaha....*clears throat* So then.

I hope that brings things into perspective.

posted 07-02-2001 08:49 PM            

A person engaged in a controversy or debate, especially in public; a disputant.

posted 07-03-2001 02:55 AM            

In that case, let me join in

Climbing - n. Scaling, going up, ascending.