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Author	Topic: Adopt a retard
Colonel Jupiter Monkey	posted 06-24-2000 07:03 AM ADOPT A RETARD They're fun loving, friendly, always good for a laugh, and they bake! How delightful! Get in on the generousity, and adopt a retard today. Call in the next ten minutes and get free accessories- your choice of cage, bowl AND leash! How delighful! Why should you adopt a retard? Well, these freaks have no home, no food, no education. You can buy none of this for the little critters, and yet gain for yourself a nice little play toy to pass those long boring office hours. That's RIGHT! Take the munchkin to work with you. We guarantee they'll be a hit with the boss, drool, foam and all. How delightful! So, open your hearts to a cute, adorable, frothing little beepy today. You won't be sorry, and if you are, chuck them in the oven on high heat. It works for me!
FatJohnny ZooKeeper	posted 06-24-2000 07:19 AM Do I have to toilet train them, or can I just let them go in the yard?
Tostito ZooKeeper	posted 06-24-2000 07:24 AM Toilet training them is the best part. We're talking the old 'Pee on my lounge, you get the cattle prod, beepy' formatt of teaching. [This message has been edited by Tostito (edited 10-17-2000).]
FatJohnny ZooKeeper	posted 06-24-2000 07:30 AM But I work a lot. Will my beepy be all right if left unattended? [This message has been edited by FatJohnny (edited 06-24-2000).]
Colonel Jupiter Monkey	posted 06-24-2000 07:34 AM You li'l slugger will be fine. He'll just amuse himself with his own excretions or something. Just don't leave him alone with a stick- they like to try and poke their eyes out! How delightful. Do whatever you like, train em or not. I have a whole truck full of the little foamers I need to get rid of. One man's retard is another man's...well, retard.
FatJohnny ZooKeeper	posted 06-24-2000 07:54 AM I recently went through a pet fiasco with a Mogwai I puchased, after I inadvertantly fed it after midnight. Do these beepers have any similar dietary restrictions? Can I expose them to direct sunlight?
Colonel Jupiter Monkey	posted 06-25-2000 05:13 AM If they have direct exposure to coleslaw they go wacko and try to knaw each others faces off.
FatJohnny ZooKeeper	posted 06-25-2000 05:22 AM Great! But how much do they cost? I've seen 'tards in fine department stores for upwards of $79.99!
Colonel Jupiter Monkey	posted 06-25-2000 05:41 AM Oh, and don't worry yourself about diet restrictions, fine sir. These beepy's can survive for three days on Iodine. How much, you ask, for this fine monstrosity? YES, they are quite the wallet flattener in department stores. But, from the back of my ute, only $9. Nine dollars to save a childs life (1), make an eternal friend (2) and have the satisfaction of helping others (3). *DISCLAIMER 1. Retard may not be a child, and further more may be fully grown and 6 feet tall. But then again, some of then can fit in your coffee mug. How convenient! Furthermore, beepys life my actually not be in need of saving. 2. Beepy may not cope well with making friends, or with any environment with less than a 79% nitrogen atmosphere. 3. Buyer/adopter may not be helping their l'il slugger by baking him and using him as a recliner chair. What satisfaction a beepy in a maids apron can give, we also cannot guarantee. [This message has been edited by Colonel Jupiter (edited 06-25-2000).]
FatJohnny ZooKeeper	posted 06-25-2000 05:46 AM Wowee! I'll take one! What's that toll free number again?
Colonel Jupiter Monkey	posted 06-25-2000 05:53 AM 1800-BAKE-DA-BEEPY Now, if I can take some details.. How many were you after? What is your intended use for them? Which colour beepy did you want? Any accessories? What would you like the dude to be called? Cash, credit card or foam?
FatJohnny ZooKeeper	posted 06-25-2000 05:58 AM 2 I plan on replacing their legs with rabid monkeys, dressing them up in sailor costumes, and making them sing for me, while trying not to have the rest of themselves devoured by the monkeys. Purple, if possible. I would like the deluxe, 'Mt. Doom' playset, and maybe a funny hat. Corky and Pete Foam.
Colonel Jupiter Monkey	posted 06-25-2000 06:35 AM Excellent choice! And would you like...Corky and er....Pete to be shipped out to you? Milk crate, take away container or wrapped in foil?
Anarchist Angel Monkey	posted 06-25-2000 06:44 AM As much as I hate posting LOL messages, I feel I must. LOL. LMFAO, even. Jupiter, I love you. However, you must pay my doctors bills for fractured ribs from laughing so hard. Goddamn you.
manic_224 ZooKeeper	posted 06-25-2000 10:00 AM do you have to be a certain age to have one of these or can a little 16year old manic get one too?
manic_224 ZooKeeper	posted 06-25-2000 10:01 AM damn these little thumbs down symbols.
Colonel Jupiter Monkey	posted 06-25-2000 05:43 PM I'm 16 and I have the franchise.
Anarchist Angel Monkey	posted 06-26-2000 02:38 AM She does. Her personal drives her to school everyday.
FatJohnny ZooKeeper	posted 06-26-2000 06:45 AM Just wrap my beeps in wax paper, and I'll take them from here.
Colonel Jupiter Monkey	posted 06-27-2000 03:59 AM Excellent choice, Mr. Johnny. I'll have it shipped right out. Thankyou for shopping with Beeps R Us- "Get a little foaming in your life!"

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