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Previous Show Who Would You Kill On Leave It To Beaver Next Show Register and/or login to play! June Cleaver Ward Cleaver The Beaver Wally Cleaver Eddie Haskell Larry Lumpy Current Vote Tally The Beaver 11964 Eddie Haskell 11510 Lumpy 1536 Larry 1265 June Cleaver 1125 Ward Cleaver 1000 Wally Cleaver 643 5 Best Response Threads Found All Characters June Cleaver Ward Cleaver The Beaver Wally Cleaver Eddie Haskell Larry Lumpy   Everything No Score Decent Good Funny Hysterical   Uncensored Censored   1 Day 1 Week 2 Weeks 30 Days Forever     If you were logged in, you could score these responses I would kill Ward Cleaver! (score: 0) by breakfastepiphanies on 2004-11-15, 3:27 pm He becomes an alcholic because Wally and the Beaver won't behave. Then he dies of alcohol poisoning. June Cleaver in turn has to become a prostitute crack addict. I would kill Ward Cleaver! (score: 0) by Tinderbox on 2004-11-13, 7:15 pm In the special one-hour series finale, Patty Duke guest stars as Dorothy McGovern, the Cleavers" attractive new neighbor. The opening scene finds Dorothy and her parents going about the task of unloading boxes into their new home. Dorothy, of course, is dressed in typical 60s garb: perky chartreuse sweater, a mini-skirt, loafers, and an elastic headband. June watches from the kitchen window as she prepares her husband a warm oatmeal breakfast. "Oh, Ward!" she smiles, "A nice little family is moving in next door!" Ward puts down his newspaper. "Really? Well, isn’t that wonderful! Somebody’s finally bought the Smiths" place." “Once I finish watering the tulip garden," declares June, "I’m going to say hello." Ward drains his last bit of coffee. "That sounds like an admirable idea. Why, when I was a lad, our family always mingled with the neighbors. It gave us a rock solid sense of citizenship.” June yawns, tiring of his coagulated dribble. “I’m sure it did, dear.” After a quick peck on the cheek, he leaves and she wastes no time making her way across the unnaturally green lawn to present a savory Pineapple Upside Down Cake to the McGoverns. “How simply mahvelous of you, dahling, “ wheezes Mrs. McGovern in a smokey voice. “I’ll tell you, these suburbs may be quaint, but they are not boring.” Not knowing how exactly to interpret this, June briskly invites Mrs. McGovern and her family over for dinner that night, since she ‘has nothing installed in the kitchen yet’. When Beaver and Wally arrive home from school, June forces them to wash behind their ears and put on suits. “Gee, Mom, do we gotta?” Whimpers Beav. “Yes,” she responds positioning her favorite necklace, “the McGoverns seem like cultured people, and we must impress them.” A few minutes later the doorbell rings. Wally begrudgingly goes to answer, still angry that he had to miss his track meet over this, and sees before his eyes, one of the prettiest girls on two legs. (Audience laughter as his expression suddenly morphs from downtrodden to girl crazy.) “H-he-hel-hello”, he manages to force out. The girl grins smugly. “Hi, my name is Dorothy and this is my mother. Aren’t you Wally?” she inquires in a mysterious British accent. “Your mother was explaining she had a son my age.” Wally’s mouth drops; young Beaver looks up at his brother with a, eww-girls-have-cooties!, type of look; Ward understand what’s going on and opts to interject something as the laugh track ensues. “Uh, Mrs. McGovern—“ “Please, dahling, call me Linda, won’t you?” Ward turns pink and chuckles. “Alright then. Linda, would you like to sit down? I think we should let the youngsters have some time to get acquainted…” Ward leads the way into their anal retentively sterile, living room. Meanwhile, the Cleaver kids and Dorothy go upstairs so ‘Beaver can show her his neat comic book collection’, as Wally claims. Linda engages June and Ward in pleasant conversation as she explains her twenty-year hiatus on Broadway after having escaped the Nazis in 1937. “So, where is Mr. McGovern?” June asks. “Oh, he’ll be on his way soon. He had to go pick up the unemployment check this afternoon.” Ward gasps, hardly able to believe that in this prosperous decade of the sixties, a man might not be able to hold down a job. “Is he h-handicapped?” he asks as if something distasteful has rolled off his tongue. Just then, the doorbell again rings. In tromps a “6’7, 250 pound, black man! (The infamous ‘uh-oh’ sound effect, from so many other well-known shows of the day, turns up in the canned laughter.) Linda hops off the sofa and runs to the man’s side. “Everyone, this is my husband Xavier! We met in Congo during my stint as a missionary, as part of the “Retribution for Prostitution” program set up by the U.S. military once the war ended.” Ward and June exchange frightened glances. “Is-is Dorothy, um, is Dorothy…BOTH you’re daughter?” Looking just aghast as they did, Xavier grasps Ward’s neck and screams, “ARE YOU SAYING MY WIFE SLEEPS AROUND?” “No! No!” cries a frenzied June, “Please let go of him! He’s my meal ticket!” Before anyone knows what’s happening, the couples begin beating the holy bejesus out of one another as the indelible Eddie Haskell most unwelcomely wanders in. “What a lovely day it is, Mr. & Mrs. Cleaver. Ah, I see you have some of your charming friends over. Is Wally available?” He looks around awaiting a reply. No one hears him though as Mr. McGovern slams June’s head into the coffee table, or Ward gasps for air. “Ah, well,” says Eddie, “I guess I should just check upstairs then?” Eddie walks in the room to see Patty Duke singing a teenybopper beach song while she gyrates on a bed. “Hey, Wally! Why the heck didn’t ya tell me you had money?” “Aw, shut up, Eddie!” THE FOLLOWING MORNING: Beaver, who is the only party to have not gotten involved with anything, wakes up to see what’s for breakfast. Along the way, he finds Wally, Dorothy, and Eddie passed out drunk across the hall. Carefully stepping over them, he roams into the kitchen where he discovers the dead bodies of both his mother and father sprawled gruesomely on the table. A hastily written note explains, “all pickle-brained racists must die” and is enclosed with money. ….WAAAALLLLYY! Look, a whole $50 bill! We can buy loadsa candy with that! Woo-hoo! We’re rich!” Beav calls upon his pal Larry and go out to gorge on toffee. Eventually, the Cleaver Parents’ bodies decay and is sold as compost by a thrifty Eddie who ensures “no one will ever notice the difference”. The state rules that Ward and June Cleaver were irresponsible parents and give Wally legal emancipation, so that he can run the household and take care of Beaver. Eddie moves in, Wally marries Dorothy, and Beaver remains an innocent untouched little boy. All is just swell in Mayfield! I would kill Lumpy! (score: 0) by Tinderbox on 2004-11-12, 6:18 pm Ward discovers that Lumpy is the leader of a gang of Communist thugs whose favorite habit is to take opium and search their telescope for aliens. Enlisting the help of ardent anti-communists Eddie Haskell and his own son Wally, Ward is able to draw Lumpy out of his house by shouting epithets at him, namely, "Meathead". When Lumpy finally came out, he realizes (too late) that the guys have laid steel barrel-rings all over the ground, and before he knows it, Lumpy is writhing on the ground, holding his shins and knees. Ward, Eddie, and Wally all take Lumpy back to the Cleaver family garage, where they interrogate him at length, eventually discovering that Lumpy is a human agent for an army of intergalactic alien communists that have their Earth-base in Moscow. Convinced of the gravity of the situation, Ward decides to execute Lumpy. The decision is made - Eddie will shoot Lumpy, and Wally will dig the grave. It is taken care of and Lumpy is never heard from again. I would kill Larry! (score: 0) by Tinderbox on 2004-11-12, 6:11 pm Larry comes over to the Beav's house for a sleepover. June and Ward leave the boys to watch a whole hour of TV by themselves while at a PTA meeting. "[i]The Rifleman[/i] is so neato!" exclaims Beaver between mouthfuls of ice cream. "Hey, Beav," says Larry, "I bet we could learn how to fire a gun like that!" Beaver does his characteristic nose scrunch. "Ya think so? Where would we find a--oh wait a second! My dad keeps a BB gun in our shed!" The boys run out to Ward’s backyard tool shed and look around. "Here it is!" signals Larry. Devoid of any firearm knowledge, what Beaver has mistaken as an ordinary BB gun, is actually a M-9 Semiautomatic Pistol. "We’re gonna be just like Chuck Connors! Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!" Larry happily jumps up and down holding the gun (which happens to be aiming directly at his heart) and thereby activates the trigger mechanism. "L-L-Laaaaaaaaarrrrry!" Beaver a beeline for the telephone. It’s too late. Larry is dead by the time the paramedics arrive. A sobbing Mrs. Mondello follows June into the kitchen for coffee as Ward fills out a 132-paged accident report for the police. "I hope you learned something today." he nonchalantly tells his son. The news of Larry Mondello’s death spreads far and wide throughout the state, and is even made into a low-budget TV movie preaching the dangers of violence on television. Chuck Connors’ career is ruined until 1977’s Roots. I would kill The Beaver! (score: 1) by jukar on 2004-11-06, 7:55 pm Beaver walks in on Wally using the toilet. Wally gets pissed, and without so much as pulling up his pants, stands up and charges Beaver, bowling him over. He grabs him by the back of the head, and then forces him over to the toilet. He then shoves the Beav's head down into his freshly-baked biscuit, and then flushes the toilet while Beaver gurgles and sputters as his older brother's vile shitwater floods his lungs. Just for good measure, Wally slams the seat lid on his head a good 30 or so times, crushing his dense skull.

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